Feeding a family.

I have been really pouring over the budget, figuring out where and how to save. I coupon when it fits, but I don’t have the time or the space to “stock pile” and I don’t see any reason to save money on things I don’t actually use…

Anywho, as I Googled I found a slew of blog post and articles on the topic of stretching the family food budget and on feeding the family. Thing is half of those were couponers who fed their family on three dollars a week by saving a thousand dollars – um, not helpful for me. Many were people who were feeding LARGE families or who were challenging themselves to feed the family on ten dollars a week. Some utilized six deep freezers and hunted meat. Nothing resonated.

Then I found an article about a woman who talked about feeding her family on the 500 dollars that SNAP provided and how she often skipped meals. It struck me because that is my goal. 500 dollars for a family of four. I am not on any food programs, though I have used them in the past when I needed them. (Two particular times in my life is the months following hurricane Katrina when I lost my home and job and was completely lost in life, and another was after a storm took our power for days and we lost all of our food we were allowed a month of emergency food assistance which was seriously miraculous. I was so overwhelmed looking into the mess and thinking, “How can I possibly replace this in our budget!”)

I was reading it and there were several points that kind of confused me, but what really struck home was that I DO THAT. I feed my family of four (two adults and two teens) on 600 dollars a month, only lately I have been striving to make that number 500. Only we home school and ALL meals are made in the kitchen: breakfast, lunch, dinner, fruit, snack. The end. I decided to actually LOOK look and really get into where our food budget goes. Over the next week (I would like longer, but this week at least) I will be documenting all the meals that come out of my kitchen and the cost.  To give a fair picture I decided to document all the food currently in the house.

Don’t be judgey about the mess of my fridge (I didn’t even realize until a flash was going off) or the quality of food. This isn’t about how to eat (though I try to be balanced and I try to talk about our choices with the kids.) This isn’t about what should or shouldn’t be cooked. You will see processed foods and you will see snacks and you will see me not eating enough or eating too much. I am going to be honest, and that will probably be messy. Be kind, I am opening myself and my kitchen in an effort to help myself and add something to the conversation.

My pantry:

Half of a cup of rice was used after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

Taco seasoning was used after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

Black beans and baby corn were used after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

The pretzels were eaten after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

The cheese puffs were eaten after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

The fridge and freezer:

The baby milk and the salsa was used after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

This meat was used after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

This cheese was used after this photo and before I officially started tracking the food costs.

The twee deep freezer:

The photo not included (because my phone ate it) was of the bread box and it would have revealed a half pack of small white tortillas (used before I started tracking,) a pack of hamburger buns (most of which were used before this,) and a half of a loaf of wheat bread.

And there it is, a full account of all the food in this home! Saturday is the first day that I am going to be crunching the numbers and documenting everything.

Life lately!

You guys I swear when I make plans it is as if NOTHING can line up. Then, when I just toss in the towel, it comes banging back together! lol Such is life lately:

We had a birthday this month that offically made my wife and I the parents of a teenager. My heart is both thrilled and broken.

I went ahead and ordered some Peerless watercolors and they came wrapped like this!

I made myself a travel pallete

The kids and I played with stamping.

I have been consistently working out FOUR times a week!

Sweaty selfies are my proof.

Killing it!

I adore my trikke!

The car is still an issue and she will be moving on.

I am earing healthy!

My wife and I are prepping for my first big show.

I can’t believe how much stuff I have made! lol

“She is MY daughter, her mother is my wife.”

The following is a conversation I recently had, quoted to the best of my ability to recall it. I admit the details get a little fuzzy as I the conversation evolves and my anxiety rises. I do want to make sure that I clarify that the woman I was talking to was very sweet and kind and friendly. I am NOT writing this to talk about her AT ALL – I am writing it to talk about what I go through almost weekly and this just happened to be a recent and perfect example.

A couple of weeks ago I brought the girls to a field trip arranged by a local homeschooling group. It was our first time joining in and I was excited and nervous. It sounds funny for me to nervous, but it means new people and new people mean coming out – AGAIN. To add to an already anxious situation I know that a lot of these women go to local churches and, though I am an avid churcher and I love God and I love other Christians, the truth is that in today’s climate there are some “christians” that are mean and cruel and aggressive. I am always more wary when it involves my kids, so it was that I was nervous as I stood there waiting for others to show up.

Everything was going great, the people were friendly as people down here are. I had relaxed, joked, mingled and then it happened.

Her: (Looking at my second child.) She must look like her dad.

Me: (VERY uncomfortable. At this point if it is a stranger that I will never see I generally say, “Yep.” However, this is a woman I may befriend in time, our kids may play, I would like a group of homeschoolers to do fun things with.) She looks like her mom.

Her: Oh, so she’s your step daughter?

Me: No, she looks like her bio mom – she is my daughter.

Her: Did y’all adopt or are you her foster mother?

Me: (I want to cry and to leave and, a little, to throw up. I want this to stop so my daughter doesn’t hear this. I want the world to be a better place, where I feel safe because I am safe, not because I am hiding in my cocoon of acceptance.) She is MY daughter, her mother is my wife.

Her: Oh! OH! I’m sorry, look at me! You must get that, though…

We kind of talk over each other, me trying to make her comfortable and hating myself for it. After that she kind of avoids me, or am I avoiding her? I don’t know. Maybe she is staying away because she is embarrassed or maybe because I am a lesbian, heck it could be that I am staying away out of concern that the conversation isn’t over. At this point I don’t know.

If you can’t imagine the word brave being used in relation to Caitlyn Jenner then you have probably never known the fear and discomfort of coming out. As a femme lesbian I am faced with this virtually each time I meet someone new – and it doesn’t get easier. Some might think “get over it, it’s no big deal” and if that is how you feel that’s awesome, but when you assume that someone is straight you create an uncomfortable situation I can’t just get over – I have to come out, yet again. I have had people feel lied to because I didn’t clarify that I was married to a woman. I have had other’s feel like I talk about my gay too much when I did clarify, because they didn’t mind interacting with me as a straight person but when I explain that I am married to a woman (because they assumed I meant man when I said married) they feel uncomfortable. I have had people completely change how they interact with me. It happens all the time.

If you don’t see the big deal in this then you probably don’t have to worry about being kicked out of businesses, turned down for or fired from a job, getting verbally or physically assaulted due to who you are attracted to. Congratulations, you are blessed in ways you may never truly understand.

Defining moments.

I’ve talked about them before. Generally bad, moments that leave you completely different. Like a here and there line in the sands of life. Sometimes they are these giant quakes that leave a canyon between the here and the there. Sometimes they are a slow, almost unnoticeable trickle – constant and unremarkable – wearing away until you hear a crack and notice that something fell away. It’s almost as if there doesn’t exist anymore. You are standing on the here and the there has disappeared, worn down and away. Going back is not an option, you can move forward or freeze.

I used to freeze. Close my eyes and live in a land of memories and wishes. I changed. I think it was Katrina. If I am honest I think it was being completely insane in the wake of that, there was so much personal growth and wreckage. The storm tore up the earth while a storm in my heart and mind tore apart who I was. I was a seed that had been tossed too far from soil to have any hope. The hurricane washed everything away, but it also reached that seed. I floated for a while, but when the water left and I settled I settled into a little patch of earth where I could actually grow. It’s been a slow and steady working of the garden since then. I have been through many seasons, lost and gained. Only, on this side of that I was a new person. Now, when the line of here and there is drawn I let the sadness of lost or disappointment be felt and then I look forward. Wishes for the past are wasted, but wishes for the future are full of possibilities.

It’s in the air. My world has been quaking for a while now. There has found definition and I am once again standing at a point of here. It dawned on me this morning. There was this moment that I think the last few days have been building to, and maybe because I actually got some sleep last night I was able to understand my own thoughts. Whatever made this the moment it was like in this one instance I saw things line up and make sense before hurling themselves back out into the universe. (It has the same feeling of understanding that realizing you are dreaming has – a flash and then instantly you are awake, all the snippets of dreams fade seconds from each other.) I supposed I could be angry with myself for not memorizing that moment, making it easier to put back together. Thing is now I know that I have all the pieces for this next part of life, whether that is a month or six or two years… Time to move forward.

I feel like I can’t breathe.

I was raised kind of quirky. Constantly being told about the power of my tongue. If I expressed a fear I was told not to talk that way, I was speaking it into existence. Through the years I watched this happen, but it seemed only the bad things I said took root. I don’t know why that is. I don’t believe that so much, though I do believe in the power of your words. Maybe, however, not so directly.

Right now in life I feel so overwhelmed and it just isn’t letting up. I don’t have a car for me and the kids, not a reliable and safe one at least. Without a working and reliable vehicle I can’t book jobs – how would I get there and haul my set up? We are stretched beyond thin. Beyond. Our oldest needs braces. I have three teeth that are falling out bit by bit, making it hard to eat or think or exist. Then, on my birthday I discovered a leak. After as much investigation as we could I am pretty sure it has been here the whole time we lived here, basically covered up by the guy who worked on the house. I am scared of the mold that may be in our walls, of the fact that we can’t possibly afford to fix this now. I am scared that this is what has caused me to be ill for years (I literally got sick months after moving here.)

That list of worries doesn’t even include the fact that it’s Christmas with all that that brings. It doesn’t display all the intricate and private parts of life.

I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I am on the verge of crying, all the time. I feel tired. It isn’t any good at all that stress equals pain in my body. Lately, I feel like I am functioning pretty well on the outside, but on the inside it hurts like crazy. My bones throb and my head is constantly stabbing me!

Look Who’s Talking, and listen to what they said!!!

I read an article today (I read THIS article today) that said that when parents watch movies or TV shows with graphic sex and violence they start to become desensitized and this of course seeps into their children. Here’s a bit of it:

The study explores what it calls “ratings creep,” whereby movies that might have been rated R a few decades ago are actually less violent than movies that are rated PG-13 today. The phenomenon doesn’t apply as much to sex.

“People who rate movies for the MPAA, who are themselves parents, could be subject to the same desensitization and thus more likely to be lenient when it comes to evaluating the appropriateness of such content for children,” the authors said.

An MPAA spokesperson had no comment on the study.

“We were surprised to see the transfer of desensitization,” said Dan Romer, associate director of the APPC. “If the parents saw movie clips with violence, they became more accepting of the sex scenes, and vice-versa.”

“Children are affected by what they see and hear,” the upcoming article in Pediatrics says. “Research supports the connection between viewing violent media and later aggression in individual children.”

Look, it makes sense and I have a little story to tell you to further the point. Admittedly I am a bit more aware and “controlling” with my kids when it comes to what they watch and hear. I am NO WHERE near the way my mother was when my sister and I were young, but I am a lot more involved than many parents. With the introduction of streaming services old movies are available and it is hard not to want to share those memories of my wife and I’s youth with the kids. One day my wife says to me, “We should watch a movie with the kids. They have Look Who’s Talking.”

I answered in the way I always answer, “We need to screen it first.”

We sit down to pre-watch it and were both blown away with how absolutely inappropriate it was for children, and how absolutely innocent it could be considered compared to what is on TV these days! You know a few years ago I started to see that my girls were getting older and closer to “mini adult” status, it made me think of all the thing that I set aside as “grown up” like bad words or shows. I thought to myself, “What is the age where they can say bad words? When will I be okay with them sitting next to me during a movie like this? The answer – never. It dawned on me that while I was regulating them and keeping them “sheltered” I wasn’t living that same way and I started to change myself, making myself more of the adult I wanted them to be.

I don’t say bad words, for the most part. (If I am going to be honest they probably heard me say them more than I would have liked and no it is very rare a word like that comes across my lips and then it is quickly fixed and apologized for.) I do not drink – at all. I am health with food and exercise. All around I am a work in progress, but that is just it. I want them to see that I am always working on being the best me, so that they understand when I ask them to always work towards being the best them.

Katrina Came Through

Katrina came through.

Hit hard, angrily.

Ripped the world apart regardless of color.

Katrina came through and I was merely another

number on a FEMA form,

life left wrecked.

Mud covered after a storm.

Katrina came through.

 

Who knew that water could take away so much?

Who knew that baptism by nature would create so much pain?

Who knew her fury would make Betsy look lame?

Who knew the loss would bring us to the edges of sane?

When Katrina came through, who knew?

 

There was more anger

more torn bits

more broken peices

more sadness than I could imagine.

More than I thought possible to manage.

There was something else

something light and something good.

There was life buried in all of her damage.

 

My life is a gift that came from deep in that hurt.

An existence, a hope

I almost missed

overwhelmed with the dirt.

It’s said that every storm has a silver lining or two.

Broken traditions were losses,

but broken cycles lead me to believe that its true.

 

I look up at the sky and I breathe with relief.

The changes came with force

but they are changes I want to keep.

From the flooded river lands the most fruitful plants grow.

I would live it all again,

knowing now what I know.

 

August 29 – nine years later.

 

What happens when you find the perfect words?

Words that give finite understanding to the gut instinct that has always guided you. Words that perfectly capture what you have been trying to say. Words that catapult you into a thousand million more words you never would have reached had you not found them.

I will tell you what happens when you find those words. You spend the entire day consuming the book – highlighting and underlining and praying and crying!

Stealing time.

The kids come first. That is that. This is a point that I could struggle with, but I am blessed by God to have a partner who has decided to live this way as well. I am not saying there are never times when we get selfish and desire more adult time together, I am saying that we work through those times understanding that we are loved and cherished and very important – but that our daughters come first. As the girls have gotten older, however, it has become a bit easier to steal a moment here or there. It started as a “date night” when after the kids were fed and taken care of they were set on auto for a few hours while we closed our bedroom door and watched a movie (or folded clothes) alone and uninterrupted. The other day they were at my parents house and my wife and I found that we had a few moments to simply be and we used it to go get snowballs. lol

It was fun, though I felt a twinge of guilt because treats are usually a family event. It was good to have a  childhood moment shared only with her and the sky was beautiful!

Because she asked…

I have chosen my path, and I believe in it. I allow others to live, without my judgment of my interference. I love honestly and openly and if they ask me something I answer it in respect to MY life, understanding, and experience. This beautifully authentic life has allowed me to engage more people in my faith than I could ever have imagined. In waiting rooms, in group setting, through the Internet and recently via instagram. A girl who I adore, who inspires me and makes me smile almost daily posted her thoughts on the Bible and religion. I didn’t comment. She specifically asked ME and so I thoughtfully answered with this:

The Bible has been written and rewritten; it’s been edited and changed. The Bible and religion has been used to justify all sorts of horrible things – but really that’s people. If you do any studies you will realize how VERY different what the majority thinks the Bible says and what the original writers were referring to. For instance homosexual behavior is never in reference to monogamous, same-sex couples or people who prefer the same sex it is actually in reference to the religious practices of the native people – the Canaanites would engage in religious orgies, sexual offerings (where men would have sex with the priest and by ejaculating into them) (so really, in effect, religious prostitution.) However, the average person who will use religion as a reason why homosexuals are “wrong” don’t even know about the religious practices that the Bible was condemning.

I would venture to say that 90% of the people who have beliefs based on the Bible are actually basing those beliefs on what someone told them is in the Bible, not on their own experience with it. Also, you are correct, there are SO many book written to help you truly read it – in it’s context – should you choose to. These books help you realize that what one word means to us could have been three or four different meanings then, when you factor in the times and culture the book itself is multi dimensional, it is not a black and white rule book.

As with any work of literature there is the ability to interpret meaning so the moment that someone says, “I just teach the Bible as it is.” Or “I choose to follow what the Bible says.” They are in essence saying that they are subscribing to a belief system that some man or woman (maybe themselves) has decided on regarding the contents of the Bible, and a lot of people don’t realize that. They just believe what they were brought up with, what’s been taught or drilled – because if they never really have a reason to question it they don’t realize they should. We should, we should ask questions and look for answers and figure out what OUR faith is, we should read for ourselves and think for ourselves. We should seek out people we feel comfortable bouncing the questions off of and we should find people we feel safe discussing things with, even if we don’t agree. The act of just accepting and moving forward is what has allowed religion to be manipulated and twisted.

This is a LONG answer and honestly is it the shortest, simplest way I could begin to answer you. lol There is SO MUCH more about the Bible and its contents that is beautiful and amazing and sadly most people never get to witness because they are blinded by “religion” – the Old Testament is a gorgeous portrait of the New Testament when looked at and read through the lens of grace and love, it is not the hateful and oppressive prison so many use it as.